Couples therapy
Are You And Your Partner Out Of Step?
As much as you love your partner, do you feel like sometimes you’re speaking different languages?
Are you often pulled in different directions and can’t find the time or energy to reconnect?
Has sex and intimacy suffered, leading to emotional distance, resentment, and possibly, infidelity?
The strain in your relationship may be getting harder to ignore. Perhaps you keep having the same perpetual arguments and misunderstandings over and over but nothing ever gets resolved. While one of you might want to hash things out—even if it means things getting heated—the other may want to retreat and stop communicating, preferring instead to avoid conflict and confrontation.
The Emotional Toll Of Poor Communication
Being at odds with each other might be leading to stress, sadness, and disconnection. And the energy you’re expending to avoid each other or pretend everything is okay can be exhausting. Because you’re unable to express your true needs and desires, you may feel unfulfilled and alone in the relationship, drifting further apart.
If your sex life has fizzled and emotional intimacy has waned, infidelity may have impacted your relationship. With trust broken from the betrayal, you might be trying to determine whether you should stay or go.
Your deepest wish may be to feel heard, seen, and understood by each other. The good news is couples therapy can help you reconnect on a deep emotional level. By learning how to communicate effectively and prioritize your relationship, you can rekindle your spark and rediscover the love and passion you once shared.
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Failing Communication Often Leads To Failed Relationships
Although the underlying reasons why we struggle to communicate are numerous, “according to a recent study by the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers (AAML), communication problems were the number one reason for divorce in the United States. The study found that about 67.5 percent of all marriages failed because of a breakdown of communication.” [1] Whether the lack of communication can be attributed to arguments, misunderstandings, or avoidance, one thing is clear: when we stop communicating, our relationships suffer.
What’s more, research has shown that when arguments get heated, from a biological perspective, our partner can’t understand us until their fight-or-flight response has calmed down and they’re no longer flooded with stress hormones. [2] The more we learn about how the nervous system impacts our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, the more we realize how important learning self-soothing and calming techniques can be.
Other Common Reasons We May Struggle To Connect
When external stressors impact our relationship—such as seeing eye-to-eye on finances, juggling our work obligations, or dedicating most of our emotional energy to raising the kids—we might become out of tune with each other. Unless our foundation is strong, we grow apart.
Sadly, in the face of life’s challenges, we are seldom taught how to prioritize our relationships. Commonly, all we have to go on is what was modeled for us by our parents during our formative years. And if what we experienced in a past romantic relationship wasn’t healthy, we might bring the habits and patterns we developed into our next relationship.
You might think that seeking couples therapy means admitting your relationship is over and perceiving it as a sign of weakness. But the reverse is true: acknowledging you could benefit from working with a marriage or couples counselor is a sign of strength.
Couples Therapy Can Help You Get Back On Track
There might not be one specific reason that caused you to drift apart—the demands of life may have simply gotten in the way. If you feel like you keep hitting the same wall and nothing changes, learning better communication tools can shift the dynamics of your relationship. Rather than feeling like you’re fighting against each other, you can finally get back on the same team.
In couples therapy, you will learn effective tools that help you better understand your partner as well as the communication pattern you have developed together. When you know how to express your needs—as well as understand what your partner needs from you—you can begin to reestablish your connection and move away from conflict.
What To Expect In Sessions
Your unique needs and preferences as a couple will guide each counseling session. Although most sessions will be held jointly, I am open to working with one or both of you individually to address the effect of previous trauma or past experiences that may be impacting your relationship. We will work collaboratively to customize marriage or couples therapy so that you receive maximum benefit and your relationship can flourish.
Once I have a better understanding of your dynamic, I will fine-tune our sessions to incorporate communication tools to develop a different way of speaking to each other. Through active listening and reframing and mirroring exercises, you will learn how to validate and show empathy so that each of you feels heard, validated, and understood. Setting the foundation for better communication in earlier sessions allows us to eventually tackle unresolved issues that keep you in perpetual gridlock.
My Approach To Couples Therapy Is Based On Evidence-Based Modalities
I incorporate the Gottman Method and Imago couples therapy into counseling so that you will have hands-on tools that can be implemented right away. Gottman marriage counseling reinforces healthy communication while minimizing defensiveness, stonewalling, contempt, and criticism. With Imago relationship therapy, you will understand why you were drawn to each other, which will help nurture respect, empathy, and connection.
Additionally, we will utilize mindfulness and progressive muscle relaxation exercises that calm the nervous system and regulate your emotions. Perfecting these techniques can help you take breaks and avoid unproductive arguments.
When you lose the ability to resolve conflict, you may get frustrated and not know where to turn. But there is hope—communication is a tool that can be learned in couples counseling. With the tools you will learn in couples therapy, you will have tools you can use well into the future whenever you feel stuck. Wherever you are in your relationship—dating, marriage, labels, no labels—couples counseling can help.
But Maybe You’re Not Sure If Couples Therapy Is Right For You…
I’m ready to go to couples counseling but my partner is hesitant.
Oftentimes, one party will want to start couples therapy while the other is unsure about it. Before scheduling therapy with a couples counselor, it might be helpful to first arrange a phone consultation to get an idea of what therapy will look like. Ideally, your partner can express their concerns to the couples therapist, who can help overcome any reservations they may have.
Couples therapy isn’t for us—our problems aren’t so bad.
You don't have to justify or compare the challenges in your relationship to begin therapy. Some couples even seek therapy before marriage as a proactive approach. There are no problems too big or too small that wouldn’t benefit from couples counseling. If you're struggling to communicate with your partner, feeling unfulfilled in the relationship, or struggling to maintain a satisfying sex life and intimacy, couples therapy can help.
Isn’t couples counseling expensive?
Understandably, couples therapy may seem like an investment. However, if it feels like you and your partner are drifting apart or struggling to communicate, the benefit of reconnecting and feeling loved, supported, and understood by your partner is well worth the investment. What’s more, you’re never obligated to continue marital or couples counseling and can stop at any point if you’re not seeing the value in it.
You Can Restore Your Spark And Reconnect
If you’re ready to work on your relationship, don’t put off learning tools that can improve your communication and connection. To find out more about couples therapy with me, you may visit my contact page or call 720-336-8884 to schedule a free 15-minute call.
[1] https://divorce.laws.com/number-one-reason-for-divorce
[2] https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4495877/
